Reflections on Gratitude and Growing Up

“To the two who gave me life and to the one who made me free”

This is how Toni Morrison opens her novel the “Bluest Eye”, with this dedication quoted above. I marinate on this because it feels so pure and loving for a book that is in ways the very antithesis of loving and pure, yet also deeply (read: disturbingly) human.

With the turn of a new month, and as our collective world prepares to shift its gaze to closing out a treacherous yet almost redeemable year, today I was driven to write. My heart was heavy, and mind filled with so much unsaid. So much processing unshared. So much listening unheard. So much seeking, wandering, wondering — all disaggregated, scattered and not all making absolute sense (or cents) most times.

“But what would it say? Could I handle its truths? ”

In the midst of a chaotic and unhinged backdrop, listening and letting the soul speak is what I longed for most. But what would it say? Could I handle its truths? And would its words be worthy of the world’s gaze and judgement? Is it worthy of external praise and accolades that come with putting oneself outfront and daring to be vulnerable? Is it most worthy of building meaning and sowing seeds of love? And will it expand my perspective on how I choose to show up and contribute to creating a more beautiful world that my heart so longs for and knows is possible? I needed to know this and more. Yet, knowing this and more, requires/required patience from the most impatient of zodiac creatures. So I sat down, and I started to just write not knowing what would flow.

“So when words seize, music speaks and fills the void. ”

There was something about this past year. Maybe it was the global pandemic. Maybe it was moving to two new cities and states within 19 months. Maybe it was not having my contract renewed at what felt like a point my dream job. Maybe it was losing some old and seemingly lifelong friends. And maybe it was going from catching international flights for work, to joining an unemployment queue. Or maybe it was starting and stopping an MBA program all within the same period. In short — yep, the man’s been busy, yet strangely spiraling into grounds unknown and increasingly unstable. This my friends is low key 31 — fearful, unsure, hopeful, optimistic, and BROKE ….BROKE again. So if you ask, how am I doing? I say, “I am hanging in there by the grace of God.”

“Especially now, turning the page into my thirty-somethings truly feels like a blessing with a heavy dose of tough love. ”

To borrow from Patrick Droney’s song “High Hope”, turning 31 low key feels like having a high hope that we can climb this burning rope. Though I’d love to claim the title of “writer/authorist” honestly I view myself more as someone who hates to write but loves to have written. The writer who’s usually at a lost for words, and constantly in search for new inspiration and motives to keep going. So when words seize, music speaks and fills the void. And like a true millennial, who’s infamous for gifting burned CD’s (and even at some point cassette tapes), all to fill the void for when words just won’t suffice. Today I now speak in lyrics and narratives shared through my favorite old and new music I’ve most likely stolen from my friends, siblings, and most often a particular Palestinian Englishman who refuses to share quietly and without mention or accolade.

Around this time, given my birthday being wrapped in with the holiday season, I tend to get quite sentimental. Sure call me soft, but I’m definitely sensitive about my sh*t. Especially now, turning the page into my thirty-somethings truly feels like a blessing with a heavy dose of tough love. However, when we’re living life in slow motion and can’t seem to get where we’re going, that’s truly when it’s most important to remember that the hard times are also golden because they all lead to better days. Yep, you can thank Ariana Grande for such wise and profound words! ;-)

“So as I take the time to reflect, I reminiscence of a life I had and have. I smile on, and I feel the closure. ”

All jokes aside, in these low key 31 years of life so far, and most importantly today in this moment, I cling to the thing that allows us to remember who we are, the thing that keeps us rooted, the thing that has and will continue to always be the thing. Because the thing is the thing don’t ya know? So as I take the time to reflect, I reminiscence of a life I had and have. I smile on, and I feel the closure. As I start to feel like me again, despite still living in the middle of turbulent times and environments designed to work against progress, my heart opens, it welcomes and longs to set a foundation and build a home that invites and cultivates the art of perspective.

In the spirit of when words seize, music speaks and fills the void — check out my curated Reflections on Gratitude and Growing Up Playlist on Spotify! Let me know which track is your favorite and while there (Spotify) hit that follow button. :-)

Listen to full music playlist on Spotify below!

Have a song I should hear? Email me with your suggestion!

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